Still Here
by Miss-HL
Summary: Developing a routine together was easier than Kate imagined, but losing it was harder than she expected. Before she loses it all she needs to learn to give and take, but is it too late?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own Castle. Kinda glad I don't because then this wouldn't happen.

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Her alarm clock buzzed and she threw her hand over it to silence the sound that she's hated a week now.

She used to love that sound, the sound that would wake her up and start her day.

Start that routine that she'd perfected over the years of being a uniform and then later a detective.

A routine that led her to the 12th precinct and to see her friends and adopted family.

Her adopted brothers that in the later years stood by her as they brought in a new member of the team, a member she didn't even want in the beginning but by the middle she was used to the constant pulling of her pigtails and by the end she was so in love in with him she couldn't imagine him not being there.

The first few nights he'd stayed at her apartment had thrown her routine off, but waking up with him protectively snuggled into her had made it all worthwhile.

He stayed in bed while she got ready, often reading the paper to her as she put on her makeup. She yelled at him one morning for getting toast crumbs all throughout her bed and he nodded and apologised.

She was looking for a way out because she was getting in too deep and they both knew she'd run.

The next morning he'd sat on the floor and leaned against the bed eating his toast and reading the paper in the nude.

She'd raised an eyebrow at him but he'd just shrugged before pulling her down for a kiss.

He was meeting her halfway and even though nothing was said aloud, she appreciated it.

The first night time she stayed at his loft on a work night had her worked up. This wasn't part of her routine, and she could feel her control slipping away.

She'd stayed there before, woken up in tangled limbs and stayed that way for most of the day but it was different when she had to get up for work. When she had to get up if a body dropped and find her way into clothes and do her hair still half asleep.

But he'd asked her to stay the week at his because Alexis had just left for college and he needed the loft to not become a miserable, soul-sucking hole.

Those were his words and she had rolled her eyes but then she saw that he was genuinely sad about it and had sat quietly in his chair at the precinct all day while she finished her paperwork.

They left the precinct that night and he immediately walked towards her apartment but she shook her head and led him the way to the loft. He'd smiled the entire way.

But as he got ready for bed in the bathroom and she sat cross-legged on the bed her mind drifted. She thought about how her and Will used to wake up together and get ready for work, they both weren't morning people and would barely speak as they hurriedly dressed and ate. Josh had been up and gone before she even heard her alarm and was asleep by the time she got home.

Waking up with Castle was different and new every morning. Sometimes she'd be so grumpy that he'd slip out to the coffee shop and get the biggest coffee he possibly could and be waiting for her when she opened the bathroom door.

Other times he had been on writing binges and made it to bed just before she was due to wake up. He'd stay awake and watch her sleep, and right before her alarm was set to go off he'd kiss her awake. Cuddle into her and no doubt; she'd be late for work.

Her routine was so finely tuned and practised that letting someone else in on it seemed like she was breaking some kind of rule.

She'd woken to the exact same sound as her alarm at home. Rick had told her that he'd spent three hours in the electronics isle trying to find her alarm clock but it was old and he'd come up empty handed. So he brought a fancy alarm clock and recorded her alarm and set it as the tone.

It sounded absurd and silly but she knew why he did it. He knew her routine; he knew it because he picked up on everything about her. She was crazy to think that it would slip past him.

Kate Beckett was a rule breaker, always have been since her wild child days, and that morning she broke her routine and they created their own.

They shared a piece of toast in bed as he read emails from Black Pawn and she flicked through a cold case file. She brushed her teeth when he was shaving and they stood in line to get coffee together.

Her weekend routine consisted of getting up and going running. It hadn't changed since Castle had begun staying her apartment or if she stayed at his. She'd still run and then drag him out of bed when she got back. He never once complained as they broke from kissing to get her running clothes off before falling into the shower.

But then one night he'd gone home alone from the precinct. They argued about a case and neither would budge on it. She'd walked home alone and waited for him to call or arrive at her door.

But he didn't.

He removed himself from the case and went to the Hamptons to write overdue chapters of the fifth Nikki Heat book.

She had barely fallen asleep when her alarm clock went off that morning and suddenly she wondered why she even enjoyed her routine so much to begin with. Doing it alone now seemed odd and unfamiliar.

She missed having him there to do it with her.

He came back from the Hamptons and they carried on as usual, nothing being said about their week spent apart.

The second fight happened when she refused to go to a charity auction with him. She'd had a hell of a week and it was the last thing she wanted to do. She needed a bath and then bed. He'd silently nodded and went alone but never went back to her apartment after like he promised. She asked him why and he told her that she needed to learn to give and not take all the time.

She woke up alone the next four mornings alone until she got over herself and let herself into the loft and crawled into bed with him.

Alexis had been home for holidays and Kate had distanced herself from the loft. He turned up at her apartment in the middle of the night with a confused look on his face. She told him that she wanted him to spend time with Alexis alone before she went off to her internship in Chicago.

He told her that she didn't get it; he wanted her there with him, with him and Alexis because she was part of the family.

But he went home alone because she wouldn't go with him. She needed more time to make that kind of commitment and he'd told her that he'd waited so long already and he felt like he wasn't getting anywhere.

He flew out the morning after with Alexis and did a month of press for the new book. They spoke on the phone and she apologised and promised it would change but he was gone so long and when he got back they had trouble getting back into their grove.

She was trying so hard to be everything he needed and wanted and he was waiting for her to want everything she was trying to give him.

He asked her to come away with him for a week before going to meet Alexis in Chicago for her birthday.

Kate told him that she couldn't because of work but they both knew why she couldn't go. She couldn't control this and it scared the hell out of her.

But no matter how much she tried, how much she prayed and how much Kate Beckett wished for things to be different; they wouldn't be.

Her routine had been ruined, her life had been severely altered and for the second time in her short life, someone she loved so dearly had left her.

Richard Castle had left her crying on the stoop of her apartment as he drove to the airport without her.

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**A/N: I was feeling super angsty tonight and my other stories were happy and fluffy so instead of carrying on with them, I wrote this.**

**It was meant to be a one shot but if people are interested I might continue it and write a few more chapters.**

**Tell me what you think.**

**Hannah**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two.

Disclaimer: Yeah, I wish.

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She watched the cab disappear into traffic and she couldn't bring herself to look away.

He was gone.

He'd come over to get his laptop charger and it had been more than awkward between the two of them. Both of them wanting to say so much but chose not to say anything but they were both too stubborn to back down and give in.

He asked her about the case just to have something to talk about before his cab arrived to take him to the airport.

She told him about the lead that the boys were tracking down and then they were left in silence again.

The cab tooted from downstairs and he slung his bag over his shoulder.

She followed him out to give herself a few more minutes to get up the courage to apologise to him.

To make it all better.

To fix them.

He chucked his bag on the backseat of the cab, turned to her and kissed her gently on the forehead.

He didn't make eye contact when he said he'd let her know when he landed.

She didn't know she was crying until she felt her tears fall from her cheek.

It was more than ten minutes before she grasped the fact that he wasn't coming back for her.

He was gone.

She stopped crying when she realised how angry she was at him. He promised her always and gave up after the first hurdle.

She was livid as she threw her washing down on her bed to be folded.

How dare he just give up on them?

She cried again when she realised that she hadn't been meeting him half way, instead she had shied away from the commitment and that's what caused him to walk away.

It was her fault.

She didn't move away with Will because it had only been six months and she wasn't ready to give up everything for a guy. Josh gave up everything for her and yet she still wasn't happy.

And now there was Castle.

They had both given up so much to be together and it all seemed silly now that she was folding washing on her bed alone, in an empty apartment and he was on his way to Chicago without her.

What if he didn't go back to the precinct?

Were they broken up?

What would the boys think about it?

What would Lanie say when she found out that Kate gave up?

She groaned covered her face with her hand and fell back onto the bed. She needed to grow up and meet him half way but how could she do it now? He was leaving the city and she wasn't even sure how he felt about her anymore.

She thought they would be better at this, better at being together. They've had the last four years practicing and yet, as soon as they dove into it, they both mess up.

Kate Beckett was a control freak, she strived from being in control and being with Castle was unpredictable and carefree. She wanted that for herself too, she wanted to be as happy as he was and she thought she was on her way to joining him but in true Kate Beckett fashion, she'd screwed that up too.

It was hours before she opened her eyes again, the day had turned into night and there was a message from Castle telling her in three words that he'd landed in Chicago.

She struggled to breathe when she read the message.

'_Arrived in Chicago.'_

That's what their relationship had come to. Three word messages when he's flown across the country and is away from her.

That wasn't right.

She knew she had to change it. She scrambled to her feet, grabbed a bag and shoved clothes, toiletries and her badge and gun.

Kate Beckett was going to Chicago.

-x-

Having a gun and a badge works wonders when you're travelling. No one questions you.

Even when your face is red from tears and you spend the entire flight fighting with yourself to not burst out crying no one looks at you twice.

Chicago is busy and Kate stumbles into the street trying to hold her bag close to her before she tumbles over or hits someone with it.

She's tired from the flight and barely sleeping the night before.

And she's hungry and in need of some serious caffeine.

She can barely remember the name of the hotel he's staying in. It's starts with T and it's close to Washington State Park.

He probably wont even be there, he'll be out spending time with Alexis.

Annoying Alexis probably.

Well we she was going to wait in the lobby until he got back.

The Talbott hotel is the name of his hotel.

And now she was currently standing outside of it.

"I'd like to speak with Richard Castle." Kate smiles at the receptionist and flashes her badge quickly.

She doesn't have any authority here but she's learnt to flash it fast enough so she wont be questioned.

"Name?" The lady asks, taken back by Kate.

"Kate Beckett."

"You're on the guest list, you can head right up. Suite 147 on the top floor." She smiles handing Kate the swipe card.

"Is he in?" Kate asks, voice quieter than before.

"Just ordered breakfast." The woman smiles again and Kate doesn't like her at all.

The elevator is quiet and the liftman will not stop smiling at her and it's really starting to piss her off.

Yeah, she really needs some coffee.

Maybe she should go and get some before she goes to the room.

No.

Quit running from him, Kate.

"First time in Chicago?" The man asks her and Kate shakes her head.

"Came here a few times when I was younger, family holiday."

"Beautiful city it is." He smiles and the doors open and Kate steps out.

The corridor is long and Kate walks slowly to the door.

Why was she even on the guest list? He must have booked it before she told him she wouldn't come and he never bothered to change it.

That feels like a dagger to the chest.

Suite 147.

She takes a deep breath and knocks on the door.

There is movement inside the room and then the door swings open and suddenly this is feeling very familiar.

Him opening the door to her and that shocked look on his face.

"Kate." He says quietly, not quite believing that she's on the other side of the door.

The door to his hotel suite.

In Chicago.

"Hi." She mumbles, not really sure what to begin with.

She wants to kiss him but she refrains because she's afraid that he'll push her away.

"You're in Chicago." He looks around her and halfway down the corridor, wondering if his eyes are playing tricks on him.

"I am."

He doesn't say anything more, doesn't invite her inside or ask her to leave.

Suddenly the silence becomes way too much for her and she breaks down in tears.

"I'm sorry." She whispers and it only takes him a second before he pulls her over the threshold and into his arms. He takes her bag from her and drops it on the floor.

"I'm sorry, too." He says as his hands wrap around her tightly.

She's clutching his shirt tightly as she tries to regulate her breathing.

"Castle, why are we doing this to each other? It's not right."

"I know, I know. I have no idea why this has happened."

"Well it needs to stop." She chokes on her words and she can feel his chest rumbling.

"Are you actually laughing at me right now?" She steps away from him, mouth open in shock as she watches him laugh.

"Katherine Beckett, forever in control." He smiles and then she laughs.

"Not funny." She mumbles, wrapping her arms around him and leaning against his chest.

"Still true."

-x-

They spend the day walking around downtown Chicago with their hands tightly clasped together.

They talk about the problems they've had and both decide to be brutally honest.

She tells him that even though she came to him both times, she still needs time to adjust to this. She's loved him for a while now, that hasn't changed and never will but she needs to get used to being in a relationship. She hasn't been with anyone since Josh and even then he wasn't around as much as Castle. She feels trapped sometimes and it scares her.

He told her that he's scared she's waiting for the other shoe to drop. That she needs an excuse to get out of this because it isn't what she thought it would be. He tried to keep his distance and give her time but there was always that thought in his mind that it wasn't real, that she'd never come to his door that night and he's dreaming.

She told him that he shouldn't treat her like a princess because she isn't one.

He told her that she deserved to be treated like one because she is one.

She rolled her eyes at him and he kissed her cheek.

They couldn't agree on everything, could they?

She comes out of the bathroom in only his shirt later that night, and he's sitting on the bed going through her bag.

"What you looking for?" She asks, walking over to the side of the bed.

"It has to be in here." He mutters and she looks at him confused.

"What?"

"Your alarm clock, I'm sure you packed it." His lips tug at a smile but he manages to keep his poker face held in place.

"Very funny." She tugs at her bag and it lands on the floor before she climbs onto his lap.

"So it's not in there?" He asks, eyes wide and runs his hands up her thighs.

"Nope." She's kissing his bare chest and trying to contain her smile.

"Why not?" He asks, voice mixed between playful and aroused.

"I don't need it, I'm sure you'll wake me up."

She's giving him her control and letting him in.

They'll be fine.

Just fine.

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**A/N: Finally decided to write another chapter for this one. Hope you enjoyed it.**

**Tell me what you think!**

**Hannah**

**x**


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